Mondays with Mike: It’s complicated

As the frenzied celebrity portion of the #metoo phenomenon was peaking, I had conversations with some male friends about it. To a man, we pretty much believed that Weinstein, Rose, Louis C.K., et al had really done the things they were accused of. But on the other hand, we were incredulous—really? I’m mean REALLY?

Then I talked to a longtime woman friend who’s about 20 years younger than I am. And she rattled off a handful of episodes that ranged from creepily inappropriate to terrifying.

More recently, I sat next to another friend of ours at a local watering hole to watch a college football game. She’s a big Northwestern football fan and I joined her and her entourage for their Saturday ritual. The Kavanaugh thing came up. We talked for awhile, and in the course of the conversation she recounted a nearly identical incident to the one alleged, and rattled off maybe five or six other incidents that ranged from creepy to criminal or nearly so.

During the same game, she looked up at the TV and said, “I can’t believe we still have cheerleaders in this day and age.” We were looking at the all-female dance contingent, I think—the more acrobatic cheerleading crews tend to be co-ed. But I knew exactly what she meant.

She went on to wonder (and I paraphrase) out loud how we jibe shapely, scantily clad young women shaking it while the guys are out there beating the hell out of each other with things that my friend and I believe.

Including, no means no, one should always err on the side that says “it’s not OK unless the other says it’s OK,” and there is no attire that justifies sexual assault or other abuse.

On the other hand, we agreed, it can be pretty damn confusing in terms of trying to sort out clear cultural and social norms, apart from legalities. She and I grew up when a tenet of feminism was a drive against sexual objectification of women by men. That morphed into what I judge to be, “I can dress any way I want, and if you find it alluring, so be it.” Maybe today it’s OK for women to sexually objectify themselves—like it’s OK for black people to say a certain word. I dunno.

Mostly though, we were in agreement: Apart from the absolute “no means no rules,” it’s confusing. Now, don’t get me wrong—this notion that men are under attack or at risk of false accusation is horseshit. I admit that I get tired of some of the “men are this or that” bad thing, of having “white man” glibly used pejoratively, and all that. But those are annoyances, not threats to my sense of security and personal safety, not actual assaults. I’m not being victimized.

But I remember how hard (figuratively and literally) it was to be an adolescent boy. It was murder to walk around with diesel locomotive hormones and a brain that was years from full development. I hope today’s young men and women can talk to each other and their parents more honestly than was typical for my day.

Memes are one thing, and sensational celebrity revelations another. I think a concrete thing we can do is simply talk with the people in our lives and make it clear they can talk to us. We can be allies in this.

I’ve always taken sexual assault and abuse seriously, but I was truly surprised at how widespread it was. I can understand why: My women friends perhaps thought their experiences would be taken as weakness. Or assumed that I didn’t want to know. And perhaps they were right.

But not anymore.