Mondays with Mike: I, Consumer

I ran across an article last week that tackled, or attempted to tackle, a meaningless question that lingers nonetheless, like a musical earworm: What’s with all the mattress stores? And for that matter, with the onslaught of mattress ads?

You can read or listen to the NPR story here, but in the end, it really didn’t answer my question. When I Googled it to get the link for this post, I found that I’m not alone: There were scads of links to stories, like this one at Marketplace, and this one at Freakonomics. I’ve learned that there’s a high profit margin on mattresses, but really, I still don’t get it. Apart from the Ubiquitous Mattress Firm stores, there are the online “bed in a box” companies like Leesa, Casper, etc. Who’s buying these things? At least some people in my building, as our door people stack some of the enormous boxes near their desk when they’re processing them. I guess sleep is hot.

Nor do I get the explosion of niche products, typically sold online only, that purpose that through new technology, they’ve come up with a breakthrough, best-ever, deluxe version of a heretofore everyday utilitarian item. “These socks with change your life!” There’s just no end to products designed to solve problems I didn’t know I have. Men’s underwear appears to be a new focus. You may have seen the Duluth Trading Company commercials—like this one, which makes a guy squirm a bit but at least yields a laugh:

But then there’s the David Archy Dual Pouch Micro Modal Fly Trunks, a diagram of which confuses in a disturbing way. Michael Jordan got me long ago, I’m a Hanes man, and I don’t need no stinking pouches.

It’s also fun and sometimes disturbing to see what guesses marketers make about you. I listen to sports radio off and on, so the biggest assumption is that I’m male, it’s very clear. If you’re looking for a place to get a vasectomy, boost your testosterone, or get an online prescription for generic Viagra, just listen for five or 10 minutes to get all your answers via commercials.

When I’m lucky enough to catch Jeopardy, I learn a lot about stair lifts and reverse mortgages.

And online, well, we’ve all had that eerie feeling when after seemingly only thinking, “Hmm, I need to replace that bathroom faucet,” an avalanche of ads for plumbing fixtures fills the social media feed.

I understand, business is business, and products must be sold. In another life in another galaxy long, long ago (1990), I took a seminar in how to do direct mail. It was enlightening; the experts had a formula, and instructed us to replicate it. You know, with those four-page letters set in typewriter type with phrases like, “But read on, you can save even more!” And little inserts that fell out of the envelope that amplified some product features. Or described a free giveaway. The instructors’ argument more or less went like, “Yeah, it’s cheesy, but it’s what people are used to, and they really want to feel like they’re getting a deal.”

Only problem? Our product was a sophisticated piece of scientific data visualization software. And our audience was largely research scientists in geophysics, astrophysics, hydrology and the like.

We thought, no way is offering a discount and giving a free T-shirt if they order by a certain date going to work. But we tried it a couple times.

And it worked.