Last week a friend—commenting on whatever Trump’s antic of the day was—posted this on social media:
“I’ll never forgive anyone who voted for this guy. Never.”
I know how he feels. Because I feel that way a lot. I’ve walked around for days at a time seething. I try to come to an understanding about it, but in the end it really only feels like I’m suppressing something that ultimately just corks things up. And then I’m like that volcano in Hawaii—it’s bad now but you ain’t seen nothing yet.
I’m maintaining communication with some old friends, dear friends, whom I trust, who are intelligent and reasonable, and who voted differently than I did. And you know what? They don’t want my forgiveness for voting for our current president and I don’t want theirs for voting the way I did.
I do want to keep talking, though, especially about issues and policy. But it’s hard to even agree on basic facts, never mind how we interpret them. The chasm between us seems so wide sometimes that we can’t yell loud enough to be heard by one another. It’s disturbing, and I don’t remember any other time in my life anything like it.
One of my Trump friends included me on one of those group emails that contained a screed by a conservative guy who, essentially, pled a case that, well, I don’t know where to begin. It was dripping with contempt, anger, and resentment toward, oh, Obama, Clinton (both), Saul Alinsky, and all the awful race-baiting, self-righteous liberals.
I considered replying with a review of the factual errors I found, and a critique of some of the logic, while allowing that I understood (I really did) where some of it was coming from.
In the end, I decided against it. Partly because I just didn’t have the time or energy. But mostly because, really, when it comes to friends, I want to have these discussions face to face.
I don’t know what else to do. Because I’m afraid we all, to some degree, live in echo chambers. We have our own screeds. And we have come to use proxies—political figures and pundits—to beat each other up more than make ourselves understood. We use talking points, memes, to say, essentially, you’re all wrong, and I’m all right. And as good as it feels to do that (DAMHIK), the feeling doesn’t last long or accomplish much.
This kind of thing has always been around. Take bumper stickers, the original social media meme. “Here’s what I think, you’re reading it, and you can’t respond. Goodbye.” They’re like rolling middle fingers.
Which can feel good in a nah-nah nah-nah-nah way. But it doesn’t get us anywhere. And in the end, all this “interactive media” is essentially as interactive as bumper stickers.
So, I’ll continue trying—because I know these people well enough to know I can’t just count them as among the basket of deplorables. They aren’t my enemy, and I’m not theirs. If these friends and I can’t have a constructive discussion, we’re really screwed.
When we visit friends and relatives who are conservative, we avoid talking politics. We have a good time and pretend there’s no elephant in the room. If we did discuss politics, I’m not sure we would enjoy our visit. But I see the problem. Not talking to the other side or reading other points of view has divided us.
Yeah, I guess that’s what has gotten me. There are people who I have been able to talk with, regardless of whether we were in agreement, that it’s nearly impossible now.
Mike, I have a twin brother whose political and social views are (to be fair) about 150 degrees (not 180) counter to mine. We grew up together, shared in everything. Then Vietnam happened and all that changed. We cannot seem to have a civil conversation about politics. So we skirt around it most of the time. But he’s still my twin and I love him deeply in spite of that. Reading your final assessment, reminds me of the history that resides within each of us. So, “we’ll just keep trying” (if I may add) until we get it right.
You guys would make an interesting twins study:)
Frustrating
It would take too long to explain that “I’ll never forgive …” post, but (a) I was thinking of my friend Tom, who went to private school and grew up wealthy and was well educated, yet still considers school teachers (like my wife) as thugs, thinks poor people are lazy and we’re given the same opportunities as him, and firmly believes the Civil War “had nothing to do with slavery,” and (b) the racists in my family who don’t think they’re racists. It had already started before Trump but since he’s been elected the lid’s been torn off this civil distance we used to respect. They are people I can no longer relate to or respect. They may not want my forgiveness, but I do think if/when things get bad enough, they’ll realize they were duped and will regret the mess they helped cause.
No explanation necessary. I’m in complete agreement about this–I have a relative that sounds a lot like Tom (nothing to do with slavery). No use. Crossed off the list. And I’m with you on teachers–when I hear this crap I feel like it’s an assault on my mom. What’s gotten me lately is that there are friends with whom I’ve never seen eye to eye but we could talk about what they thought and why, what I thought and why, and we usually were all the better for it. Now it starts with excoriating talking points and, I simply don’t know where to go. It’s not good.
Mike….your words brought up memories of friends I’ve lost…. I simply can’t deal with nurturing a relationship via Email and they are too far for a face to face. With friends close by I try to ask them where they gather information, why they feel a certain way and just listen. We all want to be heard. It keeps things calm (I know, we’re all fuming inside!)
Mike, I admire you and love you. But I deeply disagree with you here.
Likewise and fair enough.
After the news about separating children from their parents, then losing them, then some of them ending up in the hands of sex traffickers – put on the list of these who will never forgive. Never.
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